Zoo Man - a play for radio

ZOO MAN:
A play for radio
by
John Moore

Mob 07754841331

E-mail donjuanelmoro@cantab.net

F/X:
SCENE 1. INT. ZOO DIRECTOR’S OFFICE - DAY
BBC CONTINUITY ANNOUNCER:
(V/O)The BBC would like to make the following announcement. Children under 16, and people of a serious disposition, particularly Scandinavians, may be upset by situations in the following programme, which are of a bizarre and explicit nature. Please turn off your set now, (PAUSES THEN CONTINUES EMPHATICALLY) because nanny says so! Thank you. (CLOSE AFTER FURTHER PAUSE, AND WITH SLIGHT LASCIVIOUSNESS). For the rest of us this is a play about a zoo, which has a naked man as an exhibit. It is called ‘Zoo Man’
GRAMS:
THEME MUSIC FROM 'ANIMAL MAGIC' (FADES)
FX:
SUDDEN SINGLE TRUMPET OF AN ELEPHANT
NARRATOR:
(V/O)The new director of the 'People’s regional one world environmental educational awareness centre' at the resurgent metropolis of 'Maynard Friedman' begins his first day. Unreconstructed locals still refer to the places as the ‘Belle Vue Zoo’ and ‘Manchester’ respectively
FX
SOUND OF JOGGER ON TREADMILL)

P Y GERBIL:
(SLIGHTLY BREATHLESS) Congratulations Miss Morris. You really have done a great job here, you know, raising academic respect for this noble institution
DESDEMONA: MORRIS:
Thank you Monsewer Gerbil, and call me Desdemona. I thought I was doing well, advancing science, and protecting endangered species. Apparently that's not enough.
FX
TURNS OFF TREADMILL
P Y GERBIL:
Call me P Y please. Sewer and Gerbil have such pejorative connotations. My whiskers get twitchy. It's not my academic credentials I have been appointed for, it's my ability to put derrieres on seats.
DESDEMONA:
P Y, I am sure your credentials are well in order, and ( PURRING) I should absolutely luurv (LIKE BARRY WHITE) to check them over now
P Y GERBIL:
I am sorry, I am just a humble showman, who has known you for half an hour, and suddenly you are treating me like that Sue who plays tennis and makes doggie noises
DESDEMONA:
Barker
P Y GERBIL:
Yes. She’s crazy about me. Here, have some of my disgusting café Carte Noir. It’ll calm down those things that, as you say, ‘make whores moan’

DESDEMONA:
Hormones. Anyway, if you’re good at putting derrieres on seats, take a look at this one.
FX
SOUND OF BOOTS LANDING ON DESK, SOUND OF ZIP OPENING AND FALL OF CLOTHING
P Y GERBIL:
Demoiselle Desdemona, s’il vous plait. I am not that sort of man, anyway I thought you were as how they say in Dutch, not femme, but drainage ditch or wall used for flood defence
DESDEMONA:
Gosh no! Whatever gave you that impression?
P Y GERBIL:
Your voice, your short hair, your leathers, your lack of makeup, your perfume, a subtle blend of ‘Charlie’ and ‘Exmoor Hunt’, your ‘Norton Dominator’, and your lack of husband or conspicuous male partner
DESDEMONA:
Alright, I did used to be a bit of a Thespian, the Cheadle Players to be exact. No, its just I don’t have time to build relationships, and in a zoo where you see your fellow creatures fucking themselves silly day after day, it eventually gets to you. Then you walk in, you hunk of biftec, and pouf
P Y GERBIL:
I am not pouf, I am as you say daffodil.

DESDEMONA:
(LONG PAUSE) Oh you mean a narcissist! So that accounts for all these new mirrors you’ve had installed, (PAUSE) and why you’ve got such an enormous hard on! I haven’t seen a horn like it since passing the rhino paddock. And I thought it was for me
P Y GERBIL:
Yes I have video cameras behind all the mirrors, all trained on me. I edit the highlights of myself later in the day. It’s my labour of love
DESDEMONA:
You mean you’ve just recorded me thrusting my naked bum in your face, wearing nothing but a thong, I was going to give it to Mandy for his Brazilian lover, till he fell out of the cabinet as well as the closet.
P Y GERBIL:
Yes, but I will edit it out as it put my hair in the shade. Actually Desdemona. Your bottom does look rather nice, firm, pert, tight like a boy’s or even better, (BEAT) mine, and your thighs are like something out of Baudelaire….
DESDEMONA:
Yes it comes from kick starting the ‘Dominator’. But P Y, I just don’t understand you.
P Y GERBIL:
Well it all started back home in France in our village with the Curé and us altar boys. And believe you me, that’s what he did.
DESDEMONA:
What?

P Y GERBIL:
Alter boys. It was noticeable that after being alone with him, they became nervous, frightened, depressed, even suicidal. They wouldn’t trust any adult, or talk about what happened to anyone.
DESDEMONA:
And?
P Y GERBIL:
Eventually I found out from personal experience. It was painful
DESDEMONA:
Did it take much to get over it?
P Y GERBIL:
Yes a whole tube of Preparation H.
DESDEMONA:
No I meant the mental scars.
P Y GERBIL:
Yes, I was traumatised, but then I realised how handsome I was, and after all I could always trust in myself, and God, if not His representative on earth. (BEAT) So I became a (BEAT).daffodil.
DESDEMONA:
How awful! Where did this happen
P Y GERBIL:
In eastern France, the town of Nancy.
DESDEMONA:
So you were all Nancy boys. What’s happened to you all since?
P Y GERBIL:
Most of us are a wafer short of a host.
DESDEMONA:
Gosh how horrible! I am sorry
P Y GERBIL:
(PAUSE)Anyway if you like, I can still give you a shampoo where it’s fun, on the George Dubya. Take your piece of string off and we’ll have a soap, finger massage and conditioner
DESDEMONA:
What the hell do you call that?
P Y GERBIL:
L’Oreal Sex. They’re my sponsor.
DESDEMONA:
Ok go for it. It’s my best offer this year.
P Y GERBIL:
OK, what flavour would you like, we ‘ave Chocolate Charm, Strawberry Surprise, and Raspberry
DESDEMONA:
Why don’t you give my raspberry a bit of a ripple?
P Y GERBIL:
By the way, where’s your new appointment?
DESDEMONA:
Oooh! That’s soapy, just a little bit further up, please P Y. It’s at the new Estelle Morris University for Social Engineering. We’re giving un-reconstructed boys from deprived backgrounds a chance to become sharing, caring new men, just like our leader.
P Y GERBIL:
Ah yes the new ‘School for Vandals’. Estelle Morris, she’s the education secretary, (BEAT) and your auntie isn’t she?
DESDEMONA:
Yes. What of it? The Secretary for Culture, John Prescott, approved the appointment
P Y GERBIL:
Yes I remember. He said it wasn’t nephewtism, because you were Estelle’s niece.
DESDEMONA:
Well John hasn’t had the same privileged education as us.
P Y GERBIL:
I know, he went to Oxford.
DESDEMONA:
You have to be very careful about what you tell John. He’s so literal.
P Y GERBIL:
How do you mean?
DESDEMONA:
Well apparently Gordon told John that he wasn’t really punching his weight in the last election campaign
P Y GERBIL:
Yes, as they say in France, in the Kingdom of the Blind, the one eyed man is Chancellor of the Exchequer. By the way wouldn’t you like to try one of our extensive range of depilatory products. I’ve seen smoother chatte in the gorilla enclosure
DESDEMONA:
Never mind the Shavian didactics, just get me up big boy. Hey this one tingles a bit.
P Y GERBIL:
Oh?
DESDEMONA:
In fact it’s doing more than tingling a bit it’s aaaargh!!!!!
P Y GERBIL:
Oh merde! Quick Desdemona through that door. My bathroom! The bidet! vite!
DESDEMONA:
Aaaaaargh! What have you done to me!
FX
SOUNDS OF FOOTSTEPS, FOLLOWED BY DOOR BEING FLUNG OPEN, AND THEN STREAMING WATER LIKE A SHOWER
P Y GERBIL:
Here put this Vaseline on. I can’t tell you how sorry I am. I’d forgotten about my red-pink colour blindness.
DESDEMONA:
What the hell was that!
P Y GERBIL:
That was our new jalapeno salsa range, ‘Stimulates the follicles as it sharpens the palate’
DESDEMONA:
Well it hasn’t done a lot for my pink bits!
P Y GERBIL:
Well it is more for the lager and vindaloo trade. Here let me apply some Vaseline for you.
DESDEMONA:
No you’ve got the sodding stuff all over your hands. You ought to be horse whipped. It’s a good job I’m against corporal punishment on principle
P Y GERBIL:
In the cupboard over there, my cat o’ nine tails
DESDEMONA:
My god! I didn’t know you were into that sort of thing.
P Y GERBIL:
Yes, I love the sight of wounds on my body. It makes me feel (BEAT) transcendent. Makes me feel, not only beautiful, like an icon, but at one with the living God and saviour, betrayed, penetrated by a spear, and now scourged
DESDEMONA:
You are a sad case! But in this case, it would give me great pleasure to compromise and oblige.
FX
SOUND OF OPENING AND CLOSING CUPBOARD, FOLLOWED BY SWOOSH AND THWACK
DESDEMONA:
How many?
P Y GERBIL:
(SHARP INTAKE OF BREATH. TRIES TO TALK WITH HANKY SHOVED IN MOUTH) Gonly Gree Geeze
FX
SWOOSH THWACK SWOOSH THWACK

Gassay! Gassay! Garrett! (TAKES HANKY OUT OF MOUTH). Stop! Who do you think you are, the Royal Navy! I like a little pain and a few beautiful weals. I didn’t ask to be whipped round the fucking fleet!
DESDEMONA:
Sorry. I was going too far. I have never enjoyed myself so much ever. It was ecstasy! I don’t know what came over me.
P Y GERBIL:
Ok, ok, lets calm down, let’s ease off, chill out, babe. (PAUSE) Oh it’s time for my cheese break. Can I offer you something, a baby Bel or a naughty bit of Roquefort?
DESDEMONA:
No I think a herbal tea, would perhaps be more appropriate – lemon verbena, if you have it?
P Y GERBIL:
Of course mon plaisir
DESDEMONA:
P Y I am ashamed to say it but we do perhaps have something going.
P Y GERBIL:
Yes we’re the opposites who attract. We have different desires but (BEAT), complementary ones
DESDEMONA:
Yes, I mustn’t deny my animal nature, I mustn’t bottle it up so much. You know we do have something in common.
P Y GERBIL:
(SLOWLY, CALMLY) Yeah sure, you’re an atheistic dominatrix with animal lusts and a streak of intellectual Puritanism. I’m a self-worshipping Heretic Catholic who likes to be scourged with the intellectual standards of a whore. We’re the perfect match in a tolerant Multi-Cultural Society. By the way I’d better wipe the video before anybody catches sight of us in flagellante delicto.
DESDEMONA:
P Y aren’t you lucky to get this job after losing all that money with the dome?

P Y GERBIL:
(WITH MOUTH FULL OF CHEESE AND CRACKER) The dome was doomed to failure. It was tacky, but not quite vulgar enough to make money. I always wanted to get the London Eye. Being a Gerbil I wanted to run round the inside for hours and hours and hours.
DESDEMONA:
(CHUCKLES) So if you’re the great showman what have you got up your immaculately tailored designer sleeve for this respected institution
P Y GERBIL:
(DISTRACTEDLY)You know I get mentioned in the same breath as Barnum and Bailey, Gerry Cottle and Gerbil. Things round here are going to change
DESDEMONA:
Like what?
P Y GERBIL:
Well, the chimps’ tea party’s coming back, for starters.
DESDEMONA:
What that anthropomorphic anachronism!
P Y GERBIL:
Never mind anthropomorphic, every anthropoid liked it apart from you. Do you know who our biggest customers are?
DESDEMONA:
Children?

P Y GERBIL:
No, grandparents, and divorced dads with their kids. Some dads are so unimaginative they come here every fortnight. They’re the ones that buy the burgers, the T-shirts, the ice creams, the placky dinosaurs and all the other tacky merchandise that enables this place to support research and conservation. You’ve been sacked ‘cos you didn’t understand that, and I’ve been appointed because I do. Grandparents remember the Chimps tea party from when they were young, and generations of P G Tips adverts.
DESDEMONA:
You’re so (STRUGGLES FOR AFFECTIONATE INSULT) Mickey Mouse!
P Y GERBIL:
Of course I am. I ran Disney Paris. I’m a Gerbil remember! Mickey’s my cousin! Together we made a fortune by appealing to dumb animals. Anyway you can talk, being led by Bambi the way you are
DESDEMONA:
He’s wholesome compared to us, P Y. And how did you spend your last holiday?
P Y GERBIL:
I went camping with Jean-Paul Gautier
DESDEMONA:
(WITH A SLIGHT ACIDITY) It must be hard not to.
P Y GERBIL:
Yes we were very much in love
DESDEMONA:
But you said you were a narcissist

P Y GERBIL:
I didn’t say we were in love with each other. We were both in love with ourselves. We spent hours hand in hand gazing into still pools in deep woods. We read Proust to each other. The recollection of that Madeleine. It was so romantic.
DESDEMONA:
(PAUSE) Madeleine. Isn’t that some sort of tart?
P Y GERBIL:
Only in the New Testament, (BEAT) but she gets redeemed in the end. That’s what the book’s all about.
DESDEMONA:
What?
P Y GERBIL:
Redemption. No actually it’s a cup cake or fairy cake.
DESDEMONA:
What is?
P Y GERBIL:
A Madeleine
DESDEMONA:
Who you or J-P?
P Y GERBIL:
What?
DESDEMONA:
Who’s the cup cake and who’s the fairy?
P Y GERBIL:
I’ll have you know J-P is a dab hand at running up a highly original creation. Look at that ‘ETA’ outfit he did for Madonna
DESDEMONA:
You mean the one with the conical tits! ‘ETA’?
P Y GERBIL:
Yes, Basque Separatist. It would do wonders for you, (PREGNANT PAUSE) as summer turns to autumn…….
DESDEMONA:
Do you mind? P Y. What does your second initial stand for by the way
P Y GERBIL:
Yves
DESDEMONA:
Something in the pit of my stomach told me it must be
P Y GERBIL:
Now you already beginning to talk like a partner, or as we say in zoos, a mate?
DESDEMONA:
Will you give up your auto eroticism
P Y GERBIL:
No I never went in for that, it leaves such stains on the seats
DESDEMONA:
The deck chairs in your 2 CV?
P Y GERBIL:
Yes its quaint isn’t it
DESDEMONA:
Yes its like a French Peasant, quaint, doesn’t work, and costs a lot to support.
P Y GERBIL:
Alright I’ll swap it for the pillion on your ‘Dominator’
DESDEMONA:
Yes but hug me tight and let me feel your hot throbbing exhaust against my thighs.
P Y GERBIL:
(SHOCKED) Desdemona!
DESDEMONA:
I was kidding (PAUSE), a little. What other plans have you got big boy
P Y GERBIL:
I’m getting a man in.
DESDEMONA:
What for, refurbishments?
P Y GERBIL:
No he’s going to be an addition to the primate house, the literally ‘Naked Ape’ as another member of your family called him
DESDEMONA:
That sounds terribly voyeuristic

P Y GERBIL:
Well he won’t be given a mate. Well not yet, anyway. I don’t think I can get away with that yet. It will start as a serious attempt to compare how a man gets on in back to nature conditions, but the main thing is the publicity. Look, it’s worked overseas. Las Vegas has an Australian called Mad Maximus who takes on all the animals they don’t want to keep, and fights them to death. Naturally it drags in the high rollers
DESDEMONA:
Didn’t that raise a storm of protest?
P Y GERBIL:
Yes, until they switched his opponent from a dumb bison, to an even dumber Mike Tyson.
DESDEMONA:
Then what happened?
P Y GERBIL:
Liberal women’s groups insisted that Maximus go ahead and kill the bastard, (BEAT) slowly! Then in Sydney Zoo, there’s the Homo Australopithecus.
DESDEMONA:
I thought they died out before the Neanderthals
P Y GERBIL:
Oh it’s a primitive species. It smells. It’s surrounded by empty tinnies, and used pie crusts with the gravy sucked out. It has one dirty plastic flip flop
DESDEMONA:
It sounds an interesting subject
P Y GERBIL:
Not really, it’s got a chip on both shoulders, and spends its days masturbating in front of Kylie Minogue videos.
DESDEMONA:
Ugh!
P Y GERBIL:
Well, he did have the decency to turn the sound off.
DESDEMONA:
Aren’t they’re any better ones?
P Y GERBIL:
Well at the Amsterdam zoo, they had a gay couple called Homo Habilis
DESDEMONA:
And?
P Y GERBIL:
They made their own net curtains, sown entirely from the grass in their enclosure so they could have some privacy. Now they’re never seen
DESDEMONA:
Well what should we bill yours as to be topical? ‘Survivor – the Full Monty’? Set up a web cam, available under parental guidance? Sell the reality TV rights to pay TV with edited highlights on ITV digital? They need a stunt!
P Y GERBIL:
Grace a Dieu. ‘Survivor – the Full Monty’ What a great title! We could make a publicist of you yet.
DESDEMONA:
No thanks ‘I’ll get my motor running, ride out on the highway’
P Y GERBIL:
(SINGS) ‘Oh darlin’ goin’ to make it happen, take the world in a love embrace’
DESDEMONA:
(SINGS) ‘Fire all the guns at once and explode into space’
P Y GERBIL:
(SINGS) ‘Like a true nature’s child, I was born, born to be wild’
DESDEMONA:
(SINGS) ‘I could climb so high, I could nearly reach the skyyyyyyy!’
BOTH AT ONCE:
(SING)‘Born to be Wiiiiiiiild!’

P Y GERBIL:
See you around Desdemona. Stay in touch. We need each other
DESDEMONA:
‘Here’s lookin’ at you kid’ (EXITS)
FX:
DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES NOISE OF LARGE LOW REVVING MOTORCYCLE.
GRAMS:
‘BORN TO BE WILD’ PERFORMED BY STEPPENWOLF UP TO END OF GUITAR BREAK

F/X:
SCENE 2. INT. ZOO DIRECTOR’S OFFICE AGAIN- DAY.
F/X:
KNOCK ON OTHER DOOR
P Y GERBIL:
Come in! entrez! hereinkommen!
J CHEEVER LOOPHOLE:
(SPEAKS LIKE W C FIELDS) Good day my good man. Do I have the honour of addressing Mr P Y Gerbil, newly appointed curator of this esteemed centre of learning?
P Y GERBIL:
Yes
J CHEEVER LOOPHOLE:
(TALKS LIKE GROUCHO MARX) Good, and that’s the last time I steal pompous entrance lines from Bill Fields. Pleased to meet you. J Cheever Loophole of ‘Carman, Cayman and Alligator’
P Y GERBIL:
You’re a lawyer?
J CHEEVER LOOPHOLE:
You’re quick on the uptake, Mr Gerbil.
P Y GERBIL:
Yes and who’s he?
J CHEEVER LOOPHOLE:
This is my clerk, Ravanelli. Say hello Ravanelli
SIGNOR RAVANELLI:
(STRONG NEW YORK ACCENT) Buongiorno. We’re da representatives of da party of da foist part. You da party of da second part.

LOOPHOLE:
Ravanelli, you’re here for a celebrity slot in, because Chico has been dead for years. You’re not here to say my lines. Go practice your diving skills off a tall building
RAVANELLI:
No use Boss, we’ve been relegated.
LOOPHOLE: & GERBIL TOGETHER:
Again?
P Y GERBIL:
Say are you from the same Chambers as George Carman the famous libel barrister?
RAVANELLI:
No we just liked the name
P Y GERBIL:
Then how about Cayman and Alligator?
LOOPHOLE:
We liked their names too.
RAVANELLI:
Yeah. We saw dem in da reptile house
P Y GERBIL:
I thought that’s where all lawyers came from
RAVANELLI:
We liked Alligator ‘cos it sounded snappy
LOOPHOLE:
That’s my line
RAVANELLI:
You can have it back. It didn’t get a laugh.
LOOPHOLE:
I represent Johnny Vegas, he’s your new ape house exhibit
RAVANELLI:
Yeah and I represent his monkey.
LOOPHOLE: AND GERBIL TOGETHER:
Don’t tempt us.
GERBIL:
I thought I booked Linford Christie
LOOPHOLE:
What naked! You couldn’t afford him. Here’s the contract for the terms and conditions of his stay in this establishment, with regards to food, accommodation, viewing hours, privacy, and emergency conditions of release should he come under severe psychological stress.
RAVANELLI:
Yeah. Dat’s da sanity clause
P Y GERBIL:
You can’t fool me. Don’t you know there ain’t no sanity clause?
RAVANELLI:
Dat’s my line. I oughtta charge royalties
P Y GERBIL:
Yeah, but only Charles would listen to lines like these. If I sign will you get outta here?
RAVANELLI:
Dat’s wadda dey all say.

F/X:
SCENE 3. INT, THE APE HOUSE - MORNING
GRAMS:
‘PETER AND THE WOLF’. (FADES)

HUBBUB OF APE NOISES. SOUNDS OF APES SWINGING AND CLAMBERING IN CAGES
NARRATOR:
(V/O) In the ape house, the Orangs stare at the new arrival
ORVILLE ORANG:
Ah say! Our Ollie get off mi rally proved radial. Yours is the Korean cross-ply on the end
OLLIE ORANG:
What! Dad it’s only a tatty old thing with side wall cuts.
ORVILLE ORANG:
It got those in the 2000 Safari rally, when Carlos Sainz got mistaken for a wildebeest, or at least his Seat did. Crocodile sank his choppers into it, when he was crossing a ford
OLLIE ORANG:
They’re crap cars anyway
ORVILLE ORANG:
What
OLLIE ORANG:
Fords
ORVILLE ORANG:
Stop arguing an’ geroff. That tyre’s got provenance, and it’s mine
OLLIE ORANG:
All the possessions we ‘ave in the world are four tatty tyres on threadbare bits of rope, and we ‘ave to argue over ‘em.

ORVILLE ORANG:
Exactly! Because that’s all we have, and because they‘re different, and because they’re at different heights, that’s why we argue over them!
OLLIE ORANG:
All Property is theft, man!
OLIVE:
That’s a funny looking ape over there. He must be being punished, ‘cos they haven’t given him a tyre at all
OLLIE ORANG:
Baldy Skin! Baldy Skin! Hey Mr Pinky Bowling Ball, you and your monkey want a banana?
NAKED MAN:
Well that’s nice of you, young orang. It’s warm, have you been warming it up for me? That’s nice
OLIVE:
Only the place where he’s had it isn’t. Don’t touch it, oh too late for that, don’t eat it. That’s it give it back. Get a nice clean, cold one hanging up on th’ ook
OLLIE ORANG:
‘ee yar mista!
NAKED MAN:
Thank you…? (Rising Intonation)
OLLIE ORANG:
Ollie. I’m an orang. You must be a young man of the plains. I saw an ape like you once. He was in a film starring my hero, Clyde, only he was better looking than you. Like your monkey mister.
NAKED MAN:
I’m Johnny. Yes, he’s nice isn’t he
OLLIE ORANG:
Why yer ‘ere?

NAKED MAN:
Lost me job. Me and the monkey both. We were in advertising. People liked me. Well no, they didn’t, they liked the monkey, but they didn’t like what we were sellin’.
OLLIE ORANG:
What were that?
NAKED MAN:
Movin’ pictures. Only they were fuzzy round the edges, and sometimes you couldn’t get them at all. Then ya got the rights to see ninety minutes of Kidderminster Harriers holding on for an away scoreless draw at Hartlepool, in the rain and mud.
OLLIE ORANG:
Rivetin’! Who thought there were market for that? Must have had brains of a chimpanzee. Ooh, Ooh, talkin’ a chimps, better scarper. See ya later mister!
BIG VINNIE:, THE ALPHA MALE CHIMP
Oy you there, what sort of ape do you think you are?
NAKED MAN:
(Mutters) Better not tell ‘im I’m a homo. This is like a prison after all. (Shouts) I’m a man ape like those who come here to see you and feed you.
BIG VINNIE:
Come here I want shake you by the hand.
NAKED MAN:
Aaaaargh
BIG VINNIE:
Sorry did I say hand? I meant scrotum. As a famous American General once said, ‘If you’ve go ‘em by the balls, their hearts and minds will surely follow’.
NAKED MAN:
You’re hurting you psycho.
BIG VINNIE:
No I’m Vinnie the Chimp. You’re thinking of Stuart Pearce.
NAKED MAN:
Yes and you seem to think I’m Paul Gascoigne.
BIG VINNIE:
You learn quickly street walker.
SIR GEORGE:
(Slowly and calmly) That’s my line Vincent, and I think you’ll find it’s: ‘You learn quickly, (Pause) Skywalker’
BIG VINNIE:
Excuse me, Sir George, but I was misquoting you deliberately, for ironic effect
SIR GEORGE:
Oh, I am sorry. Do please forgive me, Vincent
BIG VINNIE:
What was that they say about its never funny when you have to explain it?
NAKED MAN:
Vincent please
BIG VINNIE:
Listen Mr Pink, know the rules and this place can be nice, even comfy. Ignore them and…....
NAKED MAN:
Aaaaaaaargh
BIG VINNIE:
Exactly. Now I’m the alpha male chimp, el honcho top bananas, savvy? You get me what I want, and I’m a reasonable ape. You defer to me as ‘the guv’nor’. In the ape house, I defer only to the gorillas, but they’re real gents. They won’t bother you other than with the odd withering and disdainful remark. (Shouts) Ain’t that right Sir John

GIELGUD:
What’s that young Vincent, dear boy. Is that my new butler. He doesn’t look very suitable.
BIG VINNIE:
No he isn’t Sir John. Not classy enough for you
GIELGUD:
No, shame. Looks like I’ll have to carry on plaiting my own banana leaves. Wake me up if any good parts come my way.
NAKED MAN:
Well my parts have been stretched a good distance your way
GIELGUD:
Don’t be coarse dear boy. You’re right, Vincent, he wouldn’t be suitable, but do see if he can get another bottle of Gordon’s and a bumper fruit hamper from Harrods.
BIG VINNIE:
Your in quick their Sir John
GIELGUD:
Needs must, dear boy. I dare say you won’t have much difficulty persuading him.
BIG VINNIE:
Now here’s my shopping list
a) The talking monkey for my kid, little Vinnie
b) One other monkey at weekends for the lads. Doesn’t matter whether it talks – just screams a lot as they rip it up
c) Cigars – full corona, one a day, Dominican
LITTLE VINNIE:
(PRONOUNCED ESTUARY ACCENT) Am I ge’ing the tal’in’ mu’ee ded

BIG VINNIE:
Don’t talk outta turn. But yes son, the nice man’s promised en’t ya?
NAKED MAN:
Aaaaaargh. Alright you’ll get ‘em. ‘Ahll get my agent, Eric onto it pronto. Anyway what’s wrong with Havanas
BIG VINNIE:
Don’t draw proper, these days. So tight, they must be rolled by virgins. Money’s so bad in the baccy factories that most women are out rollin’ fat ugly Kraut tourists instead

GIELGUD:
(SLOWLY AND AIRILY AS THOUGH HE WERE PROSPERO SOLILOQUISING IN ‘THE TEMPEST’) I should put him down now young Vincent you don’t know where he’s been. I try never to let homo sapiens get near to me any more. You remember when I let that Attenborough chappie creep right up to me. Well I only did it because I thought it was Sir Dickie Luvvie, and he’d get me better film parts, like that little brown fellow in the bed sheet, you must remember him. Anyway all I got was a bit part with a stupefyingly serious Sigourney Weaver. No wonder people keep cheering the alien. Anyway this Attenborough wasn’t Sir Dickie, it was his brother whispering Sir Dave, but you can see how I got confused at my age. So I had to play that monkey’s butler again, you know, the one they call Dudley Zoo, the Dagenham Dustbin
SIR GEORGE:
(EARNESTLY) Sir John it was Moore your thinking of, Dudley Moore, not Dudley Zoo
GIELGUD:
Ah yes Moore.
SIR GEORGE:
You know like the monkey, whose script we’re reading now.

GIELGUD:
Thank you Sir George. Wasn’t it Moore who said, “This would be a good day to bury bad scripts?” Perhaps I’m being too Utopian
SIR GEORGE:
That was ‘news’, Jo and Thomas More respectively, Sir John
GIELGUD:
Yes I know. Vincent doesn’t have a monopoly on irony you know. It just seems to pass you by!
SIR GEORGE:
I am sorry Sir John.
GIELGUD:
Yes and we don’t need you to explain all the jokes. (PAUSE) Oh, I’m sorry, perhaps we do! (BEAT) You know I only play butlers in films so I can afford to pay for one of my own. The trouble is one can never afford one, who is as good at being a butler as oneself. The last one went out and bought inferior marmalade. I specifically asked for Seville Orange Fine Cut by Frank Coopers of Oxford, and he came back with a brand called Asdic or Aztec or some such.
SIR GEORGE:
ASDA, Sir John. It was ASDA marmalade.
NAKED MAN:
Does he often go on like this?
BIG VINNIE:
No only when he’s got an audience. Soliloquising he calls it.
GANDALF THE GAY:, A GORILLA
Is that a homo of some sort they’ve brought into the ape house, ducks

BIG VINNIE:
(CHUCKLES) I knew you wouldn’t be long to notice, Gandalf, you Gay sod. You don’t want to bend over in the same cage as him, Pinky.
GANDALF:
You leave him alone Vincent. I can do him enough damage for both of us. Looks like a virgin from the back, if you ask me
NAKED MAN:
You leave me alone you perverted primate.
GANDALF
My god his face. No Vinnie I just don’t fancy him. In fact its worse than that. I wouldn’t touch him with a red hot poker, not even if he were Edward II
FX:
SOUND LIKE THE CLACKING OF A THOUSAND TYPEWRITERS
BIG VINNIE:
Talking of King Edwards, Sir John, how’s our new Shakespeare play doing?
GIELGUD:
Well the revue’s have been mixed Vincent. I got that reputable historian, Ropey, to vindicate it’s authenticity
NAKED MAN:
Who, Trevor Ropey?
GIELGUD:
Yes, Hugh Trevor Ropey, you know, Hitler Diaries.
FX
THERE IS A CLANKING FOLLOWED BY THE SOUND OF THE FALL OF HEAVY NEWSPAPERS AND POST

GANDALF:
Well the first reviews should be here now George you take the Guardian; Sir John the Times; I’ll have the Independent. I always like things from a different angle. Vincent yours is the Sport I believe
FX:
SOUND OF NEWS PAPERS BEING TURNED OVER, THEN BASHED
SIR GEORGE:
The Guardian said it was an arresting play full of contemporary resonance
BIG VINNIE:
The Sport says: (READS SLOWLY AND MECHANICALLY) “It was written by aliens who have kidnapped Shakespeare and are holding him with Elvis, having transferred their thought processes to their computer”
GIELGUD:
The Times said it was genuine. “The creativity of genius shining through the ages”. But then they’ve serialised it and sponsored the Stratford Production
GANDALF:
The Independent says that a thousand chimpanzees with typewriters could have done better
BIG VINNIE:
Right. I’ll dock their bananas
SIR GEORGE:
That’s too close for comfort. I think we have a mole. Let’s for the sake of argument call him, (PREGNANT PAUSE) Gerald
BIG VINNIE:
(LAUGHS) What a mole called Gerald the Gorilla?

SIR GEORGE:
Well people never laughed at such an oxymoron, when I said it in ‘Tinker Tailor’
BIG VINNIE:
(AGGRESSIVELY)Who are you calling a moron?
GIELGUD:
Vincent did you get the play copied up by hand onto parchment using a quill pen in Antique Bookman script, like I asked you to?
BIG VINNIE:
Didn’t have time, but I did get them to copy it out on the oldest Remington, to make it look real
FX
(ALL THREE GORILLAS GROAN IN UNISON)
GIELGUD:
Alright Vincent, let us assume that none of those attesting to it’s authenticity have ever seen the original manuscript, believing that someone else holds it, and it is too valuable to be lent out.
GANDALF:
I think it’s a fair assumption that Hugh Trevor Ropey’s never seen it. He never saw the Hitler Diaries.
GIELGUD:
Anyway let’s have a look at your latest effort. What’s it called?
BIG VINNIE:
“Simon of Catford”
SIR GEORGE:
I think we may have to change that, Vincent. Southwark might be acceptable
BIG VINNIE:
“Simon of Southwark” Yeah, go for the alliteration on that one George.

GANDALF:
I thought we were doing Edward I. It has a happy ending. I play a queen and get to become king at the end as well, and we get to hang, draw and quarter Mel Gibbon
MEL GIBBON:
(AUSTRALIAN ‘STRINE’ ACCENT)You can stuff that for a bunch of bananas, sport. I’m not having that done again
GANDALF:
Yes I suppose once is enough for most people.
GIELGUD:
Oh no Vincent, this script is too obvious, you’ve got two ‘forsooths’ and three ‘hey nonnie nonnies’ on the first page!
BIG VINNIE:
I thought they lent a period authenticity
GIELGUD:
Look this is supposed to be the language of Shakespeare, not a Hollywood script for an Alan Rickman period rumpy pumpy romp in green tights
BIG VINNIE:
Sorry Sir John
GANDALF:
And I thought you were getting the idea!
GIELGUD:
Anyway are there any juicy parts in the post?
BIG VINNIE:
You mean other than Mel Gibbon’s?
GANDALF
Yes there are, all for you Sir John: five butlers and two popes
GIELGUD:
Look I am definitely through with butlers, and I was pope last year

BIG VINNIE:
Yeah but this pope is definitely you Sir John, it says he’s witty debonair, socially accepted anywhere.
GIELGUD:
I’ve never heard of a pope like that
BIG VINNIE:
Well it says here he’s urbane.
SIR GEORGE:
I think you’ll find that’s Pope Urban, Vincent.
GANDALF:
Yes its Pope Urban. It’s a film about the crusades
SIR GEORGE:
(WITH HEAVY IRONY)You’d have liked being a crusader, Vincent, you drape yourself in the cross of St George, go abroad, and create mindless havoc in foreign civilised countries, all in the name of a dubious intolerant totalitarian cause. You’d have enjoyed it. It’s like being a football hooligan!
GANDALF:
Oh dear I’ve got the wrong breakfast again. They’ve given me ‘Kellog’s Cornflakes, and I distinctly asked for ‘Lucky Jim’s Force Wheatflakes’. George, do be a love and see if they’ve given Johnny my ‘Force flakes’
SIR GEORGE:
May the Force be with you, Sir John?
GANDALF:
Cave! Domina!
BIG VINNIE:
Get those word processors outta sight now!
F/X:
LOADS OF CLATTERING AND APE WHOOPS CAGE DOOR CLANGS
VET:
(SING SONG SCANDANAVIAN ACCENT) Good Morning Apes!
ALL APES:
Oooh Oooh Oooh!
NAKED MAN:
Why are all these apes going ‘ooh ooh’ all of a sudden?
VET:
That’s how apes talk. Don’t you know that? Don’t you watch Tarzan films?
NAKED MAN:
Well not only were they speaking English before you came in, most of them are famous film and stage actors, and they’re writing new plays by Sh
VET:
I’m sorry, this is English joke. I am Norwegian. I have no sense of humour. Excuse me I have to extract the pus from a boil in the gonads of this Gorilla, just like Rolf Harris told me.
NAKED MAN:
How are you going to do that?
VET:
I suck it out through his penis, just like Rolf told me, watch.
APES (ALL EXCEPT A VERY SURPRISED GANDALF
(WILD ROARS OF ANTHROPOID LAUGHTER)
FX:
NOISES OF A FORESKIN BEING MOVE RAPIDLY TO AND FRO. THEN SUCKING AND FINALLY A HARD SWALLOW
VET:
Now that didn’t hurt did it? Same time tomorrow
NAKED MAN:
Miss, miss, would you?
VET:
No only works for Gorillas. You wouldn’t like it. (EXITS)
FX:
DOOR CLANGS. APES FALL ABOUT LAUGING
NAKED MAN:
I cannot believe what I have just seen!
BIG VINNIE:
You better had mate. That was terminally gullible Trude!

NAKED MAN:
I just can’t believe she’d hear a story like that, and swallow….(BREAKS OFF WHEN HE REALISES WHAT HE’S SAID)
FX:
INSANE CACKLING APE LAUGHTER. WHOOPS HOLLERS, CAGE RATTLING
NAKED MAN:
it.
FX:
DINNER GONG SOUNDS NOISE OF CAGE DOORS FLUNG OPEN. EXCITED CHIMP NOISES
NAKED MAN:
What’s going on?
BIG VINNIE:
Chimps tea party! Newly reinstated. Missus loves it. Go on your included. But I warn you if you tell anyone about the Shakespeare ever, you’re for it. Mel Gibbon had it easy as compared to what you’ll be getting. And don’t go out there without a pair of pampers! There’s children watching! Who do you think you are, Gary Glitter?

F/X:
SCENE 4. EXT, ON GREEN, OUTSIDE THE APE HOUSE - AFTERNNON
FX:
SOUNDS OF CHILDREN LAUGHING, CHATTERING, CLAPPING CHEERING CRYING
BARBARA:, A BABOON (BARBARA: WINDSOR)
(COCKNEY, UNABLE TO PRONOUNCE HER ‘R’S) ‘Ere you’re new here e’nt ya. I’m Barbawa Mandwill a sortta baboon, like. I’ll be muvver. ‘Ave some tea.
MAN:
Is it PG Tips? Ha, ha
BARBARA:
Nah. None o’ that rubbish. See them plants over there?
MAN:
Yeah them tall thin ones, a bit like sunflowers, with shakin’ heads, yellow petals, and what looks like a pock marked head
BARBARA:
Yeah them. They’re Robert Plants
MAN:
What?
BARBARA:
Yeah Gandalf the Gay bwews them up into this powerfu’ ‘allucinogenic infusion. Have some with a dollop of cweam,
GRAMS:
CREAM PLAY “STRANGE BREW” WITH JACK BRUCE SINGING THE TITLE

and a slice of Ginger Bake
GRAMS:
CREAM PLAY GINGER BAKER’S DRUM SOLO FROM “TOAD”, BUT ONLY A BIT OF IT
MAN:
My god what’s happening to us. Why are we all shaking our heads to and fro in unison.
BARBARA:
(CACKLES) Ah This is where the Wobert Plant cuts in
GRAMS:
“A WHOLE LOTTA LOVE” BY LED ZEPPELIN
FX:
SOUND OF CHIMP FEET LEAPING UP AND DOWN IN UNISON IN TIME WITH MUSIC THUMPING ON THE TABLE. MORE EXCITED CRIES AND RHYTHMIC CLAPPING FROM THE SPECTATORS
MAN:
Oh it’s changing
BARBARA:
What you seein’ luvvie?
MAN:
I’m hallucinating. It’s a Jacob’s ladder with angels ascending and descending, with a for sale sign on it, and there’s a lady. (BEAT) Oh it’s gone, the ladder. (PAUSE) It’s been replaced by a jeweller’s. (PAUSE) She’s going inside, the lady
GRAMS:
LED ZEPPELIN. ROBERT PLANT SING’S, “THERE’S A LADY WHO KNOWS ALL THAT GLITTERS IS GOLD”
MAN:
(SINGS) “and she’s buying a bracelet from Ratner’s?”
BARBARA:
My gawd! The tea’s been contaminated. I know who’d do that Udums the gwuzzly!
MAN:
Isn’t that Grizzly Adams?

BARBARA:
No he calls himself Juwwy ‘the Gwuzzly’ Udums. Him and his sidekick Marty ‘the Butcher’ MacStout, and their enfowcers, the Barney Council. They’re the bears that wun the whole place!
GRIZZLY ADAMS:
(STRONG NORTHERN IRELAND ACCENT) I hope my name wusn’t being taken un vain there, Barbara.
BARBARA:
No I was telling the man what a positive contwibution you’d made to peace between all animals, by agweeing to have that one claw tip on the little finger of your left hand filed down a bit, Jewwy
GRIZZLY ADAMS:
You’re so right. People don’t know the socrifices ond compromises I’ve hod to make, Barbara. Still with me un charge and with Morty taking over the car of oll the young, the future’s bright, but dafunutly not orange. You may laugh, Barbara. My last remark’s a joke
BARBARA:
(NEAR PANIC) What they’ve put ‘The Butcher’ in charge of ar’ kids!

GRIZZLY ADAMS:
Butchery was only what he dud un hus opprontuceshup, Barbara. He’s such a superb aut’ority figure, that kuds can look up to, ond he never hos ony duscuplune problems, well, not sunce he got hus Block and Decker onyway. Got to help Morty now with a bush meat shupment. Got to watch where those zebras go. They’re traceable, see. Unduvudual bar codes. U’ll be watchin’ them, (PREGNANT PAUSE)und you, bye!
MAN:
God he scares the wits out of me!
BARBARA:
I wondered what that stain was on your pampers. Look, he scares the stuff out of all of us, except big Ian, the howler monkey, and he shouts so much people just think he’s bonkers. Jewwy likes to have opposition like that. That’s the only weason Ian’s still got a ‘ead on his shoulders.
MAN:
What about this bush meat?
BARBARA:
Old or unfashionable animals. The Barney Council slaughter ‘em and sell ‘em on the black market. Sorry shouldn’t have said that! I weally mean the Afwo Cawwibean market.
MAN:
I need to get out of here quick! Thank god for that. There’s my agent.

BARBARA:
Ooh er I could do with a good agent. Ah ‘Ent ‘ad a good part since I was in a howwa storwy wemake. You know that Edgar Allan Poe. It had Bowis Kawloff, Vincent Pwice, Peter Lowwy and Jack Nicholson
MAN:
Yeah, that was good: ‘The Raven’
BARBARA:
Well I was in Carry On Crow. It had a lower budget.
ERIC ‘THE AGENT’ HALL:
(JEWISH COCKNEY) Johnny my ol’ mate. Ah’s tricks. Still monkeying around I see. Mate you’re absolute monster, monster on the box. You’re the biggest thing since Eric Morecambe and Dennis Wise!
MAN:
Oh no not another ex-Wimbledon footballer. I get enough trouble with Vinnie the Chimp Jones. Who the fuck are these?
THREE MONKS:
Dominus tecum! (SING PLAINSONG HARMONY) Christus natus est ex Maria…,
MAN:
What?
ERIC ‘THE AGENT’ HALL:
These are the Dominicans you asked for
MAN:
I never asked for free fucking friars. I asked for Dominican cigars, you know, Davidoffs!
ERIC ‘THE AGENT’ HALL:
Yeah ha, ha, ha, like the ’98 world cup match against Argentina
MAN:
Eh?

ERIC ‘THE AGENT’ HALL:
The referee, he sent David Off, ha, ha, ha!
MAN:
Your supposed to act on behalf of comedians not try to be one.
ERIC ‘THE AGENT’ HALL
Alright, alright keep your shir,.. or in your case your nappies, on!
MAN:
And get rid of the chipmunks.
ERIC ‘THE AGENT’ HALL
OK OK. Monk Dimittis you lot ‘op ‘it.
1ST MONK:
What about our fee?
ERIC THE AGENT
Cheque’s in the post already mate,
THREE MONKS
(SING) Gloriaaaa! (FADE AS THEY WALK AWAY)
MAN:
Look Eric. You gotta get me outta here. It’s a madhouse. Half the animals are famous actors and actresses. The bears are Irish terrorists, and the chimps headed by Vinnie Jones aren’t typing the complete works of Shakespeare they’re adding to them. Oh yes and you’ve got TV vet, Trude, giving blow jobs to a gay gorilla.

ERIC ‘THE AGENT’ HALL:
Hell That’s too good to miss. (Sound of dialling mobile phone) Hello! Sport? Kelvin? Good. Hold the front page. Yes I mean it. You can run the Mullah Omar and Bin Laden found in ZZ Top Tribute Band tomorrow! Blonde TV Trude sucks gay Gorilla. Yeah Scandinavian python syphon sex scandal. No, it wasn’t a snake, it was a gorilla, and he didn’t even enjoy it right. And you’ll have 50 photographers hounding her within the hour. Thanks Kelv, you’re a saint, I love ya, bye! Anyway what about this other crap. Sounds screwy to me
MAN:
It’s true I tell ya. It’s a madhouse. Half the animals are famous actors and actresses. The bears are Irish terrorists, and the chimps headed by Vinnie Jones aren’t typing the complete works of Shakespeare they’re adding to them
ERIC ‘THE AGENT’ HALL:
Look mate, this place is getting’ to ya. I know what it is it’s the loneliness, no intelligent human companionship.
MAN:
Look these apes are more intelligent than most of my mates. They’re brighter than you. It’s just they haven’t got your bare arsed cheek.
ERIC ‘THE AGENT’ HALL:
I’m tellin’ ya. You need a shrink. Don’t worry. I never let a valuable client down
MAN:
Shouldn’t that be valued?
ERIC ‘THE AGENT’ HALL:
I know what I mean. Don’t worry mate. I’ve read about Mad Maximus. Makes millions. I’ve got an even better idea. ‘Celebrity Square Pegs’, a TV series where minor TV celebs do jobs for which they’re completely unsuited.

F/X:
SCENE 5. INT, AN ISOLATED SECURE CAGE THE FOLLOWING MORNING
GRAMS:
PETER AND THE WOLF
FX:
SOUND OF CAGE DOOR COMING OPEN
MAN:
Hello Doctor? (BEAT) Who?
PSYCHIATRIST: (TOM BAKER)
(BRUSQUE AUTHORITITIVE VOICE) My name is of no consequence. Just treat me as you would normally treat a threatening authority figure. Call me sir. Tongue!
MAN:
Certainly not, we’ve only just met.
PSYCHIATRIST:
No, stick your tongue out at me. You’re not being resentful enough. That’s better. Now what’s this nonsense about talking apes, and a hard working shy and sensitive member of our staff, taking up lessons on the pink oboe.
HORATIA:
(AUSTRIAN ACCENT) It’s clearly not only a fantasy, but he also has a guilt complex, so he’s transferred the incident to the body of the gorilla, who’s gay, so he’s probably mixed it up with his own underlying homo-erotic fantasies, and really in his subconscious he wants to do that to the gorilla himself. Same with his belief that you wanted to him to give you a Frenchie.
PSYCHIATRIST:
(INTERRUPTS) Well he’d better snap out of it before we let him out from behind bars. He’s clearly too dangerous to be permitted care in the community.
HORATIA:
And we’ve managed to fill up all the maximum security psychiatric hospitals, with our counselling initiatives
PSYCHIATRIST:
So he’ll have to stay here until he comes to his senses. Just time for a quicky before lunch I’d say, Fellatia
HORATIA:
Horatia!.
PSYCHIATRIST:
Your slip is showing
HORATIA:
No it was yours.
PSYCHIATRIST:
No I was right, I’m a consultant, trust me.
HORATIA:
Anyway what did the vet say about the alleged incident?
ERIC ‘THE AGENT’ HALL:
Not available for any more comment. Apparently she’s fled back home and gone to ground. Last comment she made was, ‘In Britain today, it’s impossible for a Scandinavian celebrity to take care of dumb animals, without being hounded by the press, making streams of intrusive enquiries, and publishing unsubstantiated innuendo about sexual impropriety’ The gal has a point there I suppose. Anyway, Doc, if I make arrangements for his transfer to another zoo, and keep him behind bars, how would that be?
PSYCHIATRIST
I suppose so. OK section order rescinded.
GRAMS:
PETER AND THE WOLF (FADES)

F/X:
SCENE 6. INT, A SECURE CAGE AT A DIFFERENT ZOO FOLLOWING MORNING
NARRATOR:
(V/O) And so our hero in his spanking new uniform takes up his duties as keeper/companion to the new tigress of Howlett’s Zoo, the‘Begum Imran Khan’
GRAMS:
INDIAN MUSIC SLOW RHYTHM SITAR
MAN:
And who’s a lovely big pussy then?
BEGUM IMRAN KHAN:, A TIGRESS
(HUSKY FEMALE VOICE OF INDIAN SUBCONTINENT) Ah, lunch!
GRAMS:
RAPID DESCENDING SCALE ON SITAR, ENDING IN DISHARMONIC STRUM
GRAMS:
THEME FROM ANIMAL MAGIC

(FADE)


END